Baby, You’re a Firework

“Baby, You’re A Firework…”

I’m leaving India in a little over four days. I’m feeling so sad. I’ll miss my wife so much for the five weeks we’re apart. I’m also feeling terrified about starting my new music therapy contract, about whether I have what it takes, about working in-person for the first time since the pandemic started, about being able to complete all my work for my PhD. At the same time I feel excited about all the positive change. But those old self-negating voices keep surfacing, my history as a child of alcoholics, as sweet nerdy kid who was mercilessly bullied, as an emotionally abused spouse, as a cog in the wheel at a toxic, exploitative corporate jobs. All situations I’ve moved beyond, yet still carry with me. As I’ve been exploring the Enneagram this has resonated powerfully and often in a challenging, even disturbing way, opening old wounds. The song “Firework” by Katy Perry has been a touchstone of personal inspiration for me over the last 10 years. So much so I’ve even recorded my own version of it. The lyrics (below) speak openly and unflinchingly to these feelings of not being “enough,” of not having any worth, of fear, and shame, sadness and loss. But the chorus makes me looks straight at the truth of my unique value and beauty as a human being, how I have every right and every ability to shine my light into this world. This song brings me to tears, tears of self-love transcending deep-seated shame. It’s one of the most therapeutic songs in my extensive self-medication arsenal as a music therapist, and I am totally in love with the painting that came out of it.

This was a very interesting experiment technique-wise; I found myself naturally moving my brush in embodied expression of the music, both the literal rhythms but also in more interpretive expressions of the melody, harmonies, tonal color and the lyrics. I’m sure this is not an uncommon practice, but I basically discovered it for myself during this session, and I think it will prove to be an important part of my artistic process as both a musician and visual artist, as well as a therapist and scholar. Somehow, the live multi-modal expression process excites me far more than simply sitting down and focusing only on painting, and it’s very different from just having music on in the background while painting for “inspiration.”